lions are dumb.

muthafuckin breadcrumbs.

sup guys. 

exciting things are afoot! spring has been bringing the promise of warmer weather. 

SHORTY JORTS 2013! whoop whoooopppp!

my buddy jeremy and i were talking about summer related things the other day. he mentioned that he and some friends went camping for spring break. camping in indiana for spring break is about as fulfilling as vacationing in kansas during tornado season. SO MANY THINGS GO WRONG. 

the weather was really nice at first but then a cold snap hit. jeremy told me a really great little story about farting in his sleeping bag all night to keep himself warm. 

it's not camping unless you fart your way to warmth!

later i was thinking about other summery things. one of my personal favorites is to open the windows at night and throw on a planet earth segment. 

after some intense yearnings to watch nature documentaries, i watched a short on the serengeti.

african plain animals are kinda awesome, and REALLY ugly. But something i really have come to note about myself is my growing dislike of lions. Male lions is particular. 

WHY THE HELL ARE THEY CALLED THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?!

they don't even live in the jungle. they live in prickly ass grass with flies swarming their drooling mouths.

and let's be honest... male lions are lazy as shit and have droopy balls.

so maybe you're all "well what is the king of the jungle, asshole?" cause you love lions, and that's dumb. 

I'LL TELL YOU! 

if you were going to make a giant ass deadly cat the "king" of the jungle it should be a tiger. at least they live in the jungle and are known for stealing children from their huts. 

but they're being hunted to near extinction which doesn't exactly scream ruler of all super dangerous and deadly animals. 

my vote for badass jungle animal is the elephant. 

you're probably like "kris, that's the dumbest shit i've ever read." 

but for real the elephant is badass. they have been used as vehicles of mass destruction in wars.

that shit is legit.

you know in a fight your war elephant would be all "fuck your arrows man imma crush the shit out of you!"

war tigers just maul their trainers just like a pissed off shamoo at sea world. some animals can't be trusted man. 

in all reality the real winner would be spiders. 

they're advancing. they eat birds now. 

 

Harshing My Mello.

There are people in this world who have a few bad days every once in a while...

I am not one of them. 

I understand that sometimes unjustifiably bad things happen just because fate decided it was your turn to be the pine scented urinal cake; but fate was a cruel, cheap, and dirty frat bro aiming straight for my little blue disk. 

I had just about one of the worst weeks I think I could have had last week. It was essentially as bad as being a middle aged man at a Justin Bieber concert; or really anyone at a Nickleback concert. 

Wonk. 

It started Monday when a nurse stabbed my vein while taking blood and bruised the hell out of my arm. Justin left town for a few days, and I was preparing for a week of bachelorette like antics that maybe involved beers and Downton Abbey marathons (cause I'm badass). Instead I got a sinus infection.

 Tuesday morning I rolled out of bed to drag my ass to work only to find my drivers seat suspiciously rolled back to a mans sitting length. I then also discovered that the back door was ajar and my ipod had been taken. 
Nothing says road trip like listening to... nothing. 

Wednesday night Emma and I were toughing out the week while watching Futurama when she started coughing. 

AAnnndd then she started coughing up foamy blobs. 

Suddenly there was blood. 

So I raced her to Indianapolis. My thought processes were comparable to flan; awkward and sort of wobbly. I lost it, broke down, and crashed on a friends couch. 

I picked up Emma and Justin Thursday afternoon.

It was a peaceful drive home. 

Until the car broke down.

But it's all good! 

The car's pretty done-zo, but that's whatever. 

Emma's getting better.

We are intrepid. We carry on. 

I AM GONNA GIVE A NOD TO MY GOOD FRIENDS ALVIN AND ERIN! Alvin was kind enough to be the generous friend with a comfy couch for my broken down ass to crash on. He and his long time girlfriend Erin are recently engaged! YAY! They're really good people folks.

If you remember in my last post I mentioned that Ravenwood would be using Swimminginjello designs for local cards and such. If you're looking for one keep your eyes peeled for this little dude! Spring is coming yo! 

 

NEWS!

AAAAYYYYY! 




WE'RE back! (for real)
AND WE HAVE NEWS! (no shit)

yours truly (kris) and my partner (justin) have agreed to a cooperative with a few local (bloomington) artists. swimminginjello will be the stamp on particular items, but for the meantime we will be selling designs under/with autumn carnival and ravenwood! 
if you would like a cheap card sized print stop into your nearest bloomingfoods and browse the card rack!

another note:

wedding plans are in the mix. more on that later. 

thank you for your ever enduring patience. 

here's a valentine for you losers. i love you all. 

this and that

hey folks. 
it's been a stupid busy summer, but i have some fixin to do on the site and then posts will come afterward including:
 -every place i peed my pants as a small child (requested)
 -another installment to the drunken debaucheries saga
 -a battle royale with the bloomington trash service
 -and a very scientific graph on the reproductive habits of the mess in my house 


sit tight guys. i promise i won't leave you high and dry. 

how many times

has this happened to you?

are you lonely? do you want new friends?

are you a lonely loser who has no real friends?

do you desperately wish you had the ability to meet new people and not make an ass of yourself?

WELL TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!

Try THE LATEST AND GREATEST product from crazy loser industries:

THE CAT BACK!

soon hipsters will flock to YOU!

strap your cat to your back and watch it work!

EVEN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS WILL BE TOO DISTRACTED TO CARE!

in no time you'll have a brand new haircut that came straight from the 80's, your very own mustache, and interchangeable cats!

Thanks CAT BACK! you're better than the new Grizzly Bear album i bought on vinyl!

Caution: Cats who are not declawed are not covered by our warranty. 

Have a good one guys :)

drunken debaucheries part 1

it's summer again!

i'll be honest; i am not any good at beer pong anymore. not that i was in the first place.

to kick off this year's festivities i thought i would chronicle some of my past drunken debaucheries.

most of them ARE NOT moments that i am proud of in any way. 

they just make really great stories. 

starting from the beginning of my drinking carrier you can see i was a total moron.

summer '09

my friend austin hands me a flaming shot of everclear, which is basically satan's sweat after jazzercising in a glass. 

i was so drunk i could not walk to the bathroom, thus i began wobble/stomp to the door. 

with my powers of deduction i began to believe i was godzilla smashing and imaginary tokyo beneath my feet. i thought i looked like this:

i thought i was being hilarious; but to everyone else in the room i looked like a crazed drooling drunkard. 

i still don't remember anything that happened after this point in the night. 

new years eve '09

began early evening drinking at 8:00 pm. 

hunger sets in at 10:00 pm.

friend in charge of ordering pizza is too drunk to figure out how the phone works and begins yelling. 

drunken picture are snapped throughout the night. 

shan passes out on mattress and leaves trail of barf from her face to floor; another friend barfed down himself while peeing in toilet. 

spring '10

i drink too much tequila with jorge and pass out with my head in the toilet in shan's house. i wake up (still blacked out), walk back to the party, tell a few people i'm tired, then fall asleep on the kitchen floor. 

meanwhile josh projectile vomits EVERYWHERE in shan's room and some how gets barf under the screen of her gps. 

summer '10

went camping. 

shan accidentally shoves me off the bench.

i lie on ground for three minutes refusing help.

summer '10 july 4th

while drunk at a friends party i become enveloped in the idea of taco bell and convince myself i will not live through the night if i don't immediately get to taco bell. 

while blacked out i convince my DD to drive me to taco bell.

still blacked out i give detailed instructions the entire way. 

still blacked out i held drunken conversations with shan and steve (though they hadn't been drinking, and it was really a one sided insane rambling).

even still blacked out i shouted my order at the small disembodied voice in the ordering box.

but like the previous time (and two more to come) i passed out in the back seat on the way home and didn't wake until i was being carried to bed. 

i then proceeded to roll out of steve's arms, flop onto the floor, and projectile vomit a circle of stomach bile and vodka around my head like an alcoholic halo. 

shortly after new years '11

shan and i have an ugly sweater party. 

cody gets wasted and takes off his pants; he then loses them. 

chubs later declares that he hears bacon sizzling: we all turn to look at the kitchen and spot justin in the corner peeing on the vacuum. 

spring '12

while visiting my brother we go bar hopping with friends.

after a few hard drinks storey and i have a serious conversation about vacuum sealing his fish,

and displaying them under his new lady gaga poster.

later that night i managed to inflate my air mattress after fumbling with the air pump for a good fifteen minutes. 

i was so proud of myself. 

but on a more serious note,

do not ever try to drink on the premise that the more you drink the better things will be (events, games, holidays). it's dangerous, and you WILL want to die when you wake up the next morning with SERIOUS shits. 

also, one night 

i finally got my taco bell.

it 

was

awesome. 

and the last time i enjoyed taco bell.