drunken debaucheries part 1

it's summer again!

i'll be honest; i am not any good at beer pong anymore. not that i was in the first place.

to kick off this year's festivities i thought i would chronicle some of my past drunken debaucheries.

most of them ARE NOT moments that i am proud of in any way. 

they just make really great stories. 

starting from the beginning of my drinking carrier you can see i was a total moron.

summer '09

my friend austin hands me a flaming shot of everclear, which is basically satan's sweat after jazzercising in a glass. 

i was so drunk i could not walk to the bathroom, thus i began wobble/stomp to the door. 

with my powers of deduction i began to believe i was godzilla smashing and imaginary tokyo beneath my feet. i thought i looked like this:

i thought i was being hilarious; but to everyone else in the room i looked like a crazed drooling drunkard. 

i still don't remember anything that happened after this point in the night. 

new years eve '09

began early evening drinking at 8:00 pm. 

hunger sets in at 10:00 pm.

friend in charge of ordering pizza is too drunk to figure out how the phone works and begins yelling. 

drunken picture are snapped throughout the night. 

shan passes out on mattress and leaves trail of barf from her face to floor; another friend barfed down himself while peeing in toilet. 

spring '10

i drink too much tequila with jorge and pass out with my head in the toilet in shan's house. i wake up (still blacked out), walk back to the party, tell a few people i'm tired, then fall asleep on the kitchen floor. 

meanwhile josh projectile vomits EVERYWHERE in shan's room and some how gets barf under the screen of her gps. 

summer '10

went camping. 

shan accidentally shoves me off the bench.

i lie on ground for three minutes refusing help.

summer '10 july 4th

while drunk at a friends party i become enveloped in the idea of taco bell and convince myself i will not live through the night if i don't immediately get to taco bell. 

while blacked out i convince my DD to drive me to taco bell.

still blacked out i give detailed instructions the entire way. 

still blacked out i held drunken conversations with shan and steve (though they hadn't been drinking, and it was really a one sided insane rambling).

even still blacked out i shouted my order at the small disembodied voice in the ordering box.

but like the previous time (and two more to come) i passed out in the back seat on the way home and didn't wake until i was being carried to bed. 

i then proceeded to roll out of steve's arms, flop onto the floor, and projectile vomit a circle of stomach bile and vodka around my head like an alcoholic halo. 

shortly after new years '11

shan and i have an ugly sweater party. 

cody gets wasted and takes off his pants; he then loses them. 

chubs later declares that he hears bacon sizzling: we all turn to look at the kitchen and spot justin in the corner peeing on the vacuum. 

spring '12

while visiting my brother we go bar hopping with friends.

after a few hard drinks storey and i have a serious conversation about vacuum sealing his fish,

and displaying them under his new lady gaga poster.

later that night i managed to inflate my air mattress after fumbling with the air pump for a good fifteen minutes. 

i was so proud of myself. 

but on a more serious note,

do not ever try to drink on the premise that the more you drink the better things will be (events, games, holidays). it's dangerous, and you WILL want to die when you wake up the next morning with SERIOUS shits. 

also, one night 

i finally got my taco bell.

it 

was

awesome. 

and the last time i enjoyed taco bell.