i've been working full time for the past month or so. in all seriousness i'm completely grateful to be working full time.
did you know moving BEFORE you have a job is NOT the best decision?
i love my job, i just get bored sometimes because nothing dramatic ever happens in my specific department.
this recent lag time has been leading me to quietly reflect on my family; specifically my dad and how he deals with boredom.
for those of you who don't know, my dad's name is roger. he isn't an awful person, he's just.... unique in how he interacts with others.
when i was a kid he would use me as a sort of back up to his shenanigans.
he would tell the people at subway that there was a rat out by the dumpsters that was the size of a goat. i went along with it because he would usually give me a few bucks which i would in turn use on frivolous shit.
i loved spending time with him when he was in a pranking streak. i would try to wake him up early.
yes, i did look like a sleestack from land of the lost.
yes, i had giant harry potter glasses.
yes, i was scary as shit to wake up to.
when i got older and tried to sleep in he would shove his dirty socks in my face to wake me up.
roger could be described as a beacon of hope if you are having a bad day just because: 1. he always has candy, 2. he makes everyone look like a moron. especially fast food workers.
we ate at a truck stop in st. louis once. our waitress was a ditzy blonde chick who had taken a total of three orders in her whole life up until she met us.
it went something like this:
roger: "do you have cat head biscuits?"
girl: "uuhhhmmm i don't think so..... i can check with the kitchen!"
roger: "hhmmm well check and let me know. if you don't have cat heads then give me cottage cheese instead."
girl: "what are cat head biscuits?"
roger: "their biscuits that are made in the shape of cat heads. you've never had a cat head?!"
girl: "uuhhmm no i don't think so. i had a biscuit in the shape of a heart once though!"
roger: "oh those suck."
thirty minutes after she took our order a man walked by on his way to the bar. roger then starts pointing and shouting "THAT'S BRITTANY SPEARS!"
actuality:
my dad then spent the rest of the meal screaming for an autograph. the man never noticed.
by the end of the meal he had taken half my salad and stashed it behind the blinds.
roger: "these morons will never find this. Two months from now it'll still be rotting back there. i bet you two bucks."
on rare occasions he wasn't the one who was directly mindfucking the masses.
we would go shopping at sam's club in saturdays.
sam's club is a magical place full of junk food, cheap furniture, and really dumb people.
we were by the pet area where they also kept the mini isle full of toothbrushes. go sam's club.
there was a tower of salt blocks and a happy twenty something couple shopping for a new toothbrush.
while the couple quietly mulled over the difference between a flexible head and a battery powered brush, roger says:
"i'll give you twenty bucks if you go lick those salt blocks while looking at them."
don't judge. it was twenty bucks.
